Virtue or Vice: Perfectionism

Do you see perfectionism as a virtue? Do you see it as a vice? If, after publishing this short little blurb, I find a typo, you better believe I will work as fast as I can to make it seem like it never existed. Never.

Why don’t I want you to see my typos? In my mind, typos reveal the fraud I’m terrified I am. In my mind, you see a typo, you think some of the mean things I say to myself or believe about myself.

“Wow, Hope didn’t take the time to do a good job, did she. She is such a haphazard person. It’s nice to try writing about this stuff, but, seriously, if you’re going to write about perfectionism, at least proofread it. I know she says she’s got ADHD, but can’t she at least get something right?”

Writing down this, this mean, acidic, unrealistic mental chatter, I’m embarrassed. This sounds so unkind.

Is that really what I think you think?

Is it what I think about others when I’m reading things they’ve written?

Not at all. But. Yikes.

Each month, near the beginning of the month, I send an invoice out to each of my wonderful students for their lessons that month. Each month, WITHOUT FAIL, I get something wrong. A recurring charge that should have been left off. A payment that was forgotten. A cancellation that wasn’t credited. Each month, I wonder, will this be the month when I get it perfect? Where I don’t have an error?

Why don’t I want my students to see my admin errors? In my mind, I am worried my students will think I am in someway greedy or unscrupulous or a person who is mercenary. In my mind, I think an error means I’m unprofessional and, in some way, unworthy. Isn’t that interesting? We are talking about a single line item. A single mistake. Which I, of course, IMMEDIATELY fix as soon as I’m made aware of it.

What is funniest of all is how I used to feel this way about mistakes on my violin. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel this way, sometimes, especially when I am among more neurotic energy that is perfection-oriented. But, overall, I am working, working so very hard, to get away from that energy. And to not be that energy.

Recently I’ve gotten to work with some newer students who are really passionate about playing great music and getting better at their music. It’s beautiful! But, at the same time, it is quite ugly, tragic even, because in the same breath that they’re talking about improving something and learning to play it faster, they are also beating themselves up, mercilessly.

“Don’t lie to me!” That’s what one high schooler quipped when I didn’t immediately harshly criticize her excerpt.

I’ve noticed an attitude where harshness or perfectionism is seen as a virtue. Sugarcoating? We are talking the opposite. Almost like coating something with lemon, or vinegar, or worse.

Where did we learn that this was a virtue?

Are we teaching this behavior as a virtue?

I will tell you again and again, it is not.

It is a paralyzing disease.

It is self-hatred given an easy target.

It is never satisfied.

For myself… in my violin moments, my admin moments, and my life typos, I’m working each day to create some margin. I want to get better because I want to get better, not because my truest self needs mistake-free intact ego to stay alive. I don’t apologize profusely for a note played out of tune in front of a student, at least as frequently as I used to, and when I do mess up, I say something like “whoops” to myself or to the student and problem solve from there.

I like it this way🕊️🎻